The problem with maxi dresses

The shiny world of women's fashion is not a natural fit for Comment is free. But before you dismiss it in favour of an article on the latest dismal dealings of the coalition government, please take a moment to peruse these fine articles on the pressing issues of tweed and ties . You may now see why sartorial issues are more important to this once great nation than our crumbling economy or the demise of a proper democracy. In an attempt to redress the balance, I feel it only fair that we turn our minds to the not at all burning issue of summer style. Go out on any hot day this summer if you fancy witnessing a new fashion fad. Within five minutes, you're likely to see a girl acting strangely. She will be doing one of the following: tripping surreptitiously, taking small hobbling steps or self-consciously tugging at her attire. These, my friends, are the results of the maxi dress . The dark fashion lords that reign over this country (think Grazia , not Theresa May) have decreed that this summer is the summer to wear the maxi. Never mind that they said this last year, too, we are to obediently throw away our minis and embrace billowing reams of patterned material. The problem with this kind of sartorial pressure is that the maxi is essentially an embellished Slanket , likely to make you look like you're going to a wedding in a yurt, rather than to a more sober office. Jess Cartner-Morley recently gave some sage advice on how to wear this style , but I have yet to see it work in real life. I bought one in a fit of delusion earlier this year and wore it to work, thinking it'd be casually glamorous. Soon enough I realised it was so tight I was taking mini steps. Worse still, I realised that jersey fabric on a bottom that does not belong to Sienna Miller is probably not a vista your workmates want to see on a rainy Monday morning. It now languishes alongside my jumpsuit, the batwing jumper and my ill-advised sequinned legwarmers. Possibly the worst thing about the maxi is the baffling designs they seem to come in. Why wear one colour when you could wear seven? You want ruffles and sequins? Try the maxi. Every shop I've entered recently is awash with faux tribal dresses trailing on the floor. Magazines rave about the "ethnic" maxi – wrong on so many levels that I can't climb them all. No matter that they don't fit anyone properly and despite their propensity to expand dramatically in the British wind, nobody seems to listen. The online retailer Asos made £61.7m in just three months this summer , partly due to its rise. Fashion diktat seems to have won over again. Problem is, conjuring up the image of a carefree goddess floating down a beach doesn't seem to chime as well when you see the same goddess cowering from the rain on a grimy inner city street (if you're still feeling intrigued, take a look at how wrong it can go ). And so while I'm sure that some lucky people can swathe themselves in multi-coloured translucent fabric and look wonderful, the rest of us would do well to ignore this particular fad and wait for winter. Glorious winter, when the pressure to look like a bronzed model abates, and jeans and comforting cable knit jumpers can be once more be worn without making one feel like an outcast. There is, however, one glimmer of light. I'm pretty sure this is one trend that women are wearing for themselves. Forget crippling bondage stilettos or tight dresses intended to impress the gentlemen, the maxi is worn for other (less dark) reasons. They cover everything amply, so no need to worry about pasty legs or a big stomach after a meal. When most women are offered the choice of teeny-tiny hotpants or a reassuringly loose dress, it feels like an easy decision. Beware of taking the alluring thought of comfort too far, though. Some of these dresses could feasibly smuggle a performing troupe – but then circuses are in terminal decline so at least you've got a philanthropic reason for that tent you'll be sporting. With that in mind, I'm off to buy a mini skirt in defiance. Apparently they're the next big thing.