Golden Globes: quotes of the night

'It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – breakfast. Wow, so let's get this straight, so what he did was, he picked up a porn star, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife – as you do – went to a hotel, got drunk, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in a cupboard, and that was a Monday. What does he do New Year's Eve?' Ricky Gervais in his opening monologue Photograph: NBCUPHOTOBANK / Rex Features 'Right now this is all that stands between me and a Harley Davidson.' Colin Firth accepts the award for best actor Photograph: ROBYN BECK/AFP/Getty Images 'There were a lot of big films that didn't get nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. No, I was sure the Golden Globe for special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza.' Ricky Gervais on the cast of Sex and the City 2 Photograph: Paul Drinkwater/AP 'Look Mama, I got a Golden Globe!' Melissa Leo on winning a supporting actress award for her role in The Fighter Photograph: Vince Flores/UK Press 'I got paid to smoke and drink and have sex in this movie … I'm a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates. I just saw Godiva chocolate. I've never seen so many Godiva chocolates. And Halle Berry.' Paul Giamatti, winner of best actor, musical or comedy for Barney's Version Photograph: Mark J. Terrill/AP 'Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner, who is getting married at age 84 to 24-year-old beauty Crystal Harris. When asked why she was marrying him, she said, "He lied about his age. I thought he was 94." Calm down. Just don't look at it when you touch it.' Ricky Gervais Photograph: NBCUPHOTOBANK / Rex Features 'The important thing, we are all in this together. The film-makers who make the movies and the Hollywood Foreign Press Association members who in turn pose for pictures with the movie stars.' Robert De Niro upon accepting the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award. Photograph: VALERIE MACON/AFP/Getty Images '[In] I Love You Phillip Morris Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor pretend to be gay … the opposite of some famous Scientologists, then. My lawyers helped with that joke." Ricky Gervais Photograph: NBCUPHOTOBANK / Rex Features 'I don't know if an actress can do her best work, until I've slept with her.' Robert Downey Jr Photograph: Robyn Beck/AFP/Getty Images 'Ashton Kutcher's dad.' Ricky Gervais introduces Bruce Willis Photograph: NBCUPHOTOBANK / Rex Features 'There's got to be a better way to get a standing ovation.' Michael Douglas, who was recently treated for throat cancer Photograph: Handout/Getty Images 'It was a big year for 3D movies. Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron,' he said. 'It seemed like everything this year was three-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. I already feel bad about that joke. I tell you what, I'm jumping on the bandwagon, because I haven't even seen The Tourist. Who has? But it must be good because it's nominated, so shut up, OK? And I'd like to crush this ridiculous rumour that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the foreign press of could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That was not the only reason; they also accepted bribes.' Ricky Gervais Photograph: Handout/Getty Images 'I think it's great to be funny, but it's better if you can do it without hurting people.' Robert Downey Jr Photograph: Paul Drinkwater/AP 'I helped him off the toilet and popped his teeth in.' On Philip Berk, head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association Photograph: Handout/Getty Images 'No comment.' Philip Berk, asked afterwards if he would ever consider booking Gervais again Photograph: Paul Drinkwater/AP