Football transfer rumours: Gareth Bale to Barcelona?

The Rumour Mill remains perplexed by Rafa Benítez's assertion that Roy Hodgson couldn't see a priest on a mountain of sugar . While we accept the Spaniard was probably suggesting that his successor at Anfield is too dumb to be able to make out something as obvious as a man dressed from head to toe in black standing on a pristine white background, we're struggling to figure out what would bring any priest in his right mind to such a place. Pedants will obviously argue that the priest in question is a hypothetical device being employed to illustrate a point, quite possibly diabetic and suffering from the tell-tale sweats, palpitations and dizziness of hypoglycaemia. Knowing he needs to get some life-saving sugar on board, he hightails it to the nearest source which, in this particular analogy, happens to be a large mountain. Correctly assuming that the cleanest, most edible sugar is likely to be nearer the undisturbed summit than the well-trodden base, he begins climbing. We're prepared to concede that such nitpickery might explain the presence of our padre on the mountain of sugar but it fails to acknowledge the fact that a diabetic priest in hypoglycaemic shock is unlikely to have had the foresight to strap on the pair of snow-shoes that would almost certainly be necessary to prevent him sinking into the crystalline fructose, sucrose and lactose carbohydrates underfoot, never to be seen again by Hodgson, Benítez or anyone else. "A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man," mused Homer Simpson, once. "I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets." But the Rumour Mill digresses. According to today's Mirror, Barcelona's sporting director Andoni Zubizarreta "has confirmed the Spanish club's interest in Gareth Bale ", possibly by sending a drink his way, then smiling creepily from his perch at the counter when the barman pointed him out to the pleasantly surprised hobbity-looking Tottenham winger. The Daily Mail adds that a vacancy may soon arise on Barcelona's right flank, when Dani Alves becomes the latest Brazilian to take the Manchester City dirham before deciding the north of England isn't for him and stropping his way out on a loan move somewhere more pleasant. Manchester United are still planning on bidding £25m for Bale, according to caughtoffside.com , and will generously offer notoriously camera shy Spurs boss Harry Redknapp his pick from Michael Carrick , Anderson , Michael Owen or Park Ji-sung as sweeteners in any deal. Meanwhile in Mafia country, that sinister sneering sound you can hear is the reaction of Napoli president Aurelio de Laurentiis to speculation that Manchester United have notions of signing midfielder Marek Hamsik and striker Edinson Cavani . With Antonio Cassano reported to be on his way out of Sampdoria for effing and jeffing at his club president after refusing to attend a local awards ceremony, Liverpool manager Hodgson is obviously hopeful of paying bottom dollar for the man whose name is quite literally a byword for behaviour that is incompatible with team spirit in Italian football. England manager Fabio Capello coined the phrase Cassanato when he was boss of Roma in 2002. According to the Sun, Hodgson is also planning "a January raid" for ineffectual Manchester City winger Shaun Wright-Phillips or PSV's attacking midfielder Ibrahim Afellay , but will spend the interim squinting at a nearby mountain of sugar muttering something about still not being "able to see that effin' priest". Manchester United, Everton and Liverpool are three of seven clubs reported to be interested in Standard Liege midfielder Steven Defour , according to the player's agent, who refused to confirm or deny that much of the interest in his client has been fuelled by his passing resemblance to the lovechild of Harry Kewell and Steve Stifler from American Pie . Harry Redknapp fancies bringing Sulley Muntari to White Hart Lane from Inter , while Real Madrid flop Lassana Diarra is being "tracked" by gun and bloodhound-toting search parties from Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham and Liverpool. Everton boss David Moyes is also interested in bringing Werder Bremen's Portuguese striker Hugo Almeida to Goodison Park, but would settle for QPR's Scottish equivalent Jamie Mackie who is available for £3m. The Daily Mail reports that West Ham are plotting a £500,000 move for Barnsley striker Adam Hammill , but are likely to face competition for his scrawl from Blackpool, Bolton and Wigan. The Daily Mail also reports that a study has revealed "returning to an office full of trendy singletons leaves new mothers feeling dowdy and undervalued", a turn of events that's almost certainly the first instance of the phrases "Daily Mail" and "office full of trendy singletons" appearing in the same sentence in publishing history.