Digested opera: Puccini's La Bohème

Act 1: A garret Marcello: I'm a useless painter, / Taking myself much too seriously. Rodolfo: And I'm a moody writer, / Hoping to be discovered. Marcello: It's tragic no one has recognised / The nature of our genius. / I cannot see for the life of me / Why my painting of the Red Sea / Isn't on sale at WHSmith. Rodolfo: I fear I shall die / Without my Mummy / To tell me how clever I am. Marcello: But at least we have each other. / We can live in a delusional state, / Pretending to be artists / And that Paris thinks we're great. Rodolfo: It's parky in here / And we've got no coal, / So as my play is no good / We'll use it as wood. Colline: I'm another bohemian / Pretending to be deep. / The more I try to think / The more I seem to drink. Schaunard: Would you believe it? / I've found someone tone-deaf / Who is paying me to sing. Rodolfo: Though not very much / As you don't have / A very big part. Schaunard: But big enough to pay the rent / And get a bit pissed. Benoit: I am the comedy landlord / Who is easily fooled / by this bunch of half-wits / Into not collecting the rent. Schaunard: Now we've fooled the comedy landlord / Let's go to Cafe Momus. Rodolfo: You go on ahead without me / For there will soon be a knocking at the door / And I will get to do my famous love duet ... ( Knocking ) Aha! My love interest is here. Mimi: I am but a humble flowerseller ... Rodolfo: How bizarre. / But I guess you have to work. Mimi: And what is it you do? Rodolfo: I write poetry that no one ever reads / And then I burn it. Mimi: How talented you are! Rodolfo: And how cold your tiny hand is! Mimi: That's a crap pick-up line, / But I guess it will do. Rodolfo/Mimi: Heavens above, / We must be in love! Act 2: The Latin quarter Urchins: Tra-la-la, tra-la-lee / We're just here to set the scene. Street vendors: Tra-la-la, tra-la-lee / That's odd, so are we. Rodolfo: Here we all are / At the Cafe Momus / Being thrillingly bohemian / And getting a bit drunk / With babes at our sides. Mimi: I got you too, babe. Rodolfo: But why so glum, Marcello? Marcello: There is my ex, Musetta / Arm-in-arm with her new lover, / Alcindoro. / How I miss her! Musetta: There are all my old friends, / Sitting in the corner, / Being so bohemian, / And giving me the cold shoulder. Alcindoro: Don't treat me like a fool / Just because I drool. Musetta: How I long to get Marcello back! / I've had enough of Alcindoro / I must come up with a cunning plan / To get rid of my dreary man. Alcindoro: You are my lady, /And I don't mean maybe. Musetta: My shoes don't feel right / They seem much too tight / Run along and find me a new pair. Alcindoro: That sounds a bit queer / But of course, my dear. Mimi & Rodolfo: Although we sang shang-a-lang / And ran with the gang / We were actually a bit different / From the others / Because we are a bit deeper / And more sincere. Musetta: Now I've got rid of that fool, / I'm back with my cool / Marcello. Marcello: My eye-candy is back. / I must be in luck. Schaunard: Oh whoops, I feel ill. / I can't pay the bill. Musetta: All will be fab! / Alcindoro will pick up the tab! Alcindoro: I've been taken for a chum / I'm down in the dumps. Act 3: The toll-gate Mimi: I'm feeling rough. / I've got a cough. Marcello: Is that you, Mimi? / What brings you to me? Mimi: I have lost Rodolfo / He seems to have gone off me. Marcello: Don't talk so loud / He's asleep inside. Rodolfo: You spoke too soon, / Just hear me croon! Mimi: Even though I've walked all this way / To try and find him, / Now that he's awake / I feel a sudden urge to hide. Rodolfo: Oh woe is me, Marcello / Although I adore Mimi / I've had to pretend to leave her, / Because she's got this terrible cough / And we can't afford a doctor... Marcello: Did it not occur to you to get a proper job / Rather than writing crap poems / That no one wants? / Because then / You might have been able / To pay for a quack... Rodolfo: Don't be so silly / A true bohemian poet / Would much prefer his girlfriend to die of TB / Than compromise his integrity. / So I'm hoping Mimi will find some posh bloke / Who will buy her a doc! Mimi: I can't hide any longer. / How happy I am to hear / That you still love me, / And I would rather croak than be apart. Rodolfo: I know how you feel / Very well / Let's stay together through the winter, / And then in the spring / You can find a rich lord / To take care of you, / Even though / You are definitely going to die soon / Whether you like it / Or not. Marcello: How sweet she is / Unlike my bird, Musetta. Musetta: It's time for a row / To show how shallow we are / In comparison to Rodolfo and Mimi. / And believe me / That will take some doing. Act 4: The garret Marcello: I am feeling very sad / Because Musetta has gone bad / And left me. Rodolfo: I know what you mean / Mimi left the scene / In the spring / To shack up with a viscount / Whom she didn't really love / And I'd quite like her to come back. Colline & Schaunard: We'd quite like a decent meal / Seeing as none of us / Has done a proper day's work / In our lives. Musetta: Fancy that / I've come right back / To tell you / Mimi has left her viscount, / And I found her wandering the streets / So I've brought her back to you losers... Mimi: That will almost certainly / Finish me off. / But that is the lot / Of the tragic operatic heroine. Rodolfo: Oh how beautiful you are / I've always loved you / Etc, etc. Mimi: I'm not at all well, / I need to sit down. Musetta: I suppose I had / Better flog my earrings / To pay for a quack. Colline: I'm going out / To sell my hideous Afghan coat, / But not before / I've sung for a long time / About it. Rodolfo: It might have been an idea / To have thought about that / A bit sooner... Mimi: Never mind / At least we've got at least another 20 minutes / Of ravishing music together / In which we can say how much / We love each other / Over and over again, / While remembering how happy / We once were. Rodolfo: How true! How True! / I love you. Marcello/Musetta/Shaunard/Colline: We're back / With a quack! / And some medicine / Everything's going to be fine. Mimi: I feel so much better! / I'm alive! / Oh whoops, / I spoke too soon. / I'm dead! Rodolfo: She's dead. / It's all terrible. / If only I'd had a proper job /From the start.