Fashion Statement: Ten things we learned in Milan

FASHION DILEMMA Ten things we learned from Milan fashion week 1. Sandwiches are in Paninis are passé, baguettes are busted and wraps are just wrong: be careful, the only sandwich to be seen with is one that matches your footwear in shape, colour and quite possibly texture ( as seen at Prada ). For heaven's sake don't make the mistake of actually eating it though - with all that food colouring you'll be having visions of monkeys and bananas on the catwalk. Oh, hang on ... 2. You pay peanuts, you get monkeys Yes, it's Prada again. According to our own Helen Seamons, that baroque monkey print will be all over editorial shoots next season. FS is just wondering what a baroque monkey actually is. Have Prada discovered a new species? After all, WWD did compare Prada to some unfashionably-bearded chap called Charles Darwin: Those frolicking monkeys were just two of the many pictorial primates, so how could one not think Darwin? No, Prada has not, is not, will not redefine our entire view of the history of life. But she has dramatically impacted the modern view of fashion for 20 years. She is a species of one that adjusts almost instantly to the stimuli around her and what she senses ahead. As a result, what she has to say never seems useless or old. And like every species that survives into the next era, she shrewdly retains the mundane essentials, even if she's too clever to trot them out on the runway, which she reserved for more evolved fashion wonders. And who says fashion writers take their subject too seriously, hmm? 3. Minimalism is dead Riotous colours, prints, stripes, polka dots ... Well, minimalism was never really Italian anyway, was it? 4. Fashion editors should not be allowed access to the caps lock key Amongst true fashionistas, the line between genius and madness is a size zero. Witness this blog by Vogue Japan's editor at large (and boy is she at large) Anna dello Russo. who suffers from a severe capitalisation disorder. When CARINE ROITFELD invited me at VOGUE PARIS 90th Anniversary party on the september 30 in Paris, I was so thrilled, but when I knew that was a BAL COSTUME inspired by EYES WIDE SHUT, I was worried. It's like modern poetry, isn't it? How to think of a dentist who hasn't the most white and beautiful teeth? Umm, FS doesn't know. How? Here i'm going to tell you my 10 RULES to don't disappoint Carine Phew! FS worries CONSTANTLY about disappointing Carine 1. Carefull with the black outfits (it makes omologate effects). Gosh, that sounds painful. 2. Mask plus tuxedo? so obvious. Tsk, yeah, FS thought everyone knew that. FS could also quote from this ad infinitum, so we'll just finish with this crucial style point: 4. Don't rent the outfit (you'll smell like a dusty attic). 5. Wear your fruit bowl on your head Sorry, FS still can't tear itself away from Anna dello Russo 6. Subtlety went the same way as minimalism Christopher Kane's collection for Versus featured models (most of them probably still in their teens) wearing short plaid frocks while parading around a children's playground. Now where did FS put her copy of Freud for Dummies? 7. Some models are yet to master walking Or so we learned from Cathy Horyn in the New York Times : Donatella Versace used all the top girls, naturally, and I can't remember when they looked that good. They could certainly walk, and that hasn't been true for a lot of the models this week in Milan. They seem to waver rather than walk. 8. Romeo Beckham had better watch his back The new kid in town is Willow Smith, daughter of Will Smith (see what he did there?) and Jada Pinkett-Smith, seen at various Milan fashion week events . A sunglasses range is mere childsplay, Romeo, Willow looks set for world domination. Or her hair does, anyway. 9. The new must have accessory ... ... drum roll please - is a yacht. Here's a picture taken by Helen Seamons of the bargain £500,000 made-to-order boat by Gucci. Apparently there's a matching picnic and champagne hamper, which at that price, FS hopes gets thrown in free. What's the betting Roman Abramovich has already bought one? 10. Weather is so last season Following on from last week's London fashion week news that fashionistas haven't yet learned about this neat little thing called a weather forecast, in Milan the industry was caught in a downpour which risked serious damange to their collective designer footwear. Your heart bleeds, doesn't it? QUOTE OF THE DAY Grandad Collar Shitt, £35 Topshop's not-at-all-Freudian slip (probably amended by the time you read this, but it was here ) BOOK CLUB Always wanted a career in fashion - but not sure what to do or what the various jobs actually entail? Here is your required reading. For a mere £12.99 you can get top tips, job profiles and interviews with people in the industry, including, err, Fashion Statement. And frankly if our rants haven't put you off by now, there's no hope for you. You are clearly destined for fashion. Buy online at fashioncareersclinic.myshopify.com OUT AND ABOUT Attention style-savvy readers! Fancy exercising your creative muscles? Design a stage outfit for Florence (just her, not her machine) and you could win a trip to see her perform in New York, and meet her backstage into the bargain. More information at talenthouse.com , competition is open until October 4. Getting married soon? Prefer a vintage look? Then the show for you is happening at the Olympia Hilton hotel this Sunday. You can buy vintage bridal gowns and accessories, as well as outfits for bridesmaids and grooms. October 3, 380 Kensington High Street, London W14 8NL, entry £5.00 londonvintagebridalfair.co.uk This one isn't even London-centric, it's Fashion Statement's office-centric, so sorry. But FS loves Drink Shop Do, a new pop-up cafe/craft place/shop just a fashionable-stone's throw from FS Towers. They have lots of events coming up including a Dot-to-Dot disco, and a knit-a-hat night. drinkshopdo.com for full details SHOPPING NEWS Next Monday is Fashion Statements birthday. Oops, no, sorry, wrong email - next Monday sees the launch of Hedonia's new e-boutique. The full autumn/winter collection will be available online, and visitors who register before the launch at hedonia.co.uk will receive a 15% off voucher Do your bit for an excellent cause by browsing and buying the new lovely products from the Breast Cancer Campaign . FS particularly likes Coast's pink tie-belt coat and Marks & Spencer's raspberry-filled chocolate. Good news for Urban Outfitters fans : they are opening four new branches across the UK this autumn. The new Bath store (in the Southgate development) opens on October 14, Brighton (Churchill shopping centre) on November 12, Cardiff (top of the Hayes) on December 2 and a new London Spitalfields store (Commercial Road) on December 3. OFFCUTS Follow the news from Paris fashion week with our live blog . Please come support us, it's been a long fashion month and FS will soon be reduced to blogging about our caffeine-intake Rachel Dixon learns how to be cool (for a day) Gallery: What leadership contest? We examine Labour conference fashion Video: Kelly Bowerbank meets wigmaker extraordinaire, Charlie Le Mindu For all the latest fashion news, visit guardian.co.uk/fashion News to tell us? Email [email protected] Follow us on Twitter