Alexis Petridis: This'll make your flesh crawl

Sometimes fashion sets out to provoke. Sometimes it provokes by accident. "Whatever you do, don't call the vogue for nude colours and flesh tones the vogue for nude colours and flesh tones," the stylist warned. "Last time someone used the word nude to describe a colour, the letters page went nuts." They were apparently upset on the grounds that only a nude caucasian actually matches the shade referred to as "nude". "Flesh" tones have been big in womenswear for a while, as part of the underwear-as-outerwear thing (no sign of that crossing over to men) and have nothing in common with flesh of African or Indian descent. You may wearily adduce from this that some people must live in a state of vigilance for things to be offended by, but I know what they mean. "Flesh" colours bear no resemblance to my flesh, either. The best match I can find is made by Farrow & Ball, under the appealing name Clunch . According to the blurb on the colour chart, this means I most closely resemble a traditional chalk-stone building block used in East Anglia. I know, I know: calm down, ladies, I'm married. The overall effect of this vogue for whatever-you're-supposed-to-call-them colours is to wash me out, making me look even more like something you'd set about with a crucifix and garlic than I do already. They'd do the same for anyone who isn't quite swarthy to start with. You need to exercise extreme caution, and not just when talking about them. • Alexis wears T-shirt, £32, by Urban Outfitters , urbanoutfitters.co.uk. Jacket, £120, by Cheap Monday, from Urban Outfitters, as before. Trousers, £50, by Topman . Shoes, £49.99, by Zara . Grooming: Stef Arron.