Retail therapy gone mad

"Good afternoon, sir! Welcome to the Anything Goes Freaky Deaky online store. Could I interest you at all, sir, in this childishly rude hand gesture for your car-hitch ? "How about some business cards made out of meat ? We're doing a special on those: buy 10 and get a free bottle of handwash, which you'll almost certainly need, as will any of your prospective clients. Or perhaps you might like this: underwear you don't have to wash because – shudder – it hides the stains. "What about you, madam? This Hillary Clinton toilet brush take your fancy? What about a Jesus lightswitch ? Or perhaps a melon wedger ? Ooh, I've got it: you look like your children would really go for these hideous and terrifying dolls. No? Well, do come again. We're always open for business, and I mean always …" That, as you can guess, is just the stuff we can mention on this family newspaper's website. The really sick, disturbing and horrific things you can buy online, I leave to your imagination. If you're unimaginative, Google "really sick, disturbing and horrific things you can buy online nowadays". That'll work, guaranteed. You've got to love capitalism. Does this system fulfil a horrible, inescapable need in us as human beings, or what? It will never be destroyed, usurped or stopped (and I don't say that happily) because it's perfectly suited to our mindless consumerism. If something exists, we will buy it. We'll buy it, realise we didn't want it, hate ourselves for being so stupid and acquisitive and stick it in a box in the basement – until the next one. Whatever ridiculous product I can possibly think of, someone has probably already manufactured it and is doing a three-for-two offer on the first 50 customers as I type. But I need more. I need better. I need, in short, to invent some products of my own: • Frozac! Chemically induced happiness in a yummy chilled drink. Especially good for melancholy kids who are partial to goopy, dairy-based snacks. "Mmmm, that's mood-altering, Mum!" • Beer and clothing: vaguely pointless Hunter S Thompson-themed megastore tending to some, but probably not all, of your alcohol and couture needs. Many items would feature ironic images of Gonzo – the Sesame Street weirdo , not the pioneering journalist. • Don't kill your brain with just any old piss – drink Old Hobo Cider! Made from the juiciest of rotten apples, the rottenest of juicy maggots, and bits of skin and rags that fell into the barrel. • The Mitsuyota J-Player – all-in-one musicmovietwittergamblingpornography entertainment station. Want to watch films on a screen the size of a stamp? Yeah, sure you do. Just mortgage your soul, children and everything you will ever own, and the fabulously fruitless Mitsuyota J-Player is yours. Batteries, outside cover, recharging cable, software not included. • Attention, kids! This is your best friend and biggest hero, the new Action Joe-Joe doll! Like a real soldier, only smaller and made from plastic! The new improved me includes partly rotating head, Snickers-sponsored underpants and fully functioning miniature Kalashnikov (underpants and head extra). All available for your parents to buy at the low-low price of £299.99 – just before you shoot them! You'll go loco for Action Joe-Joe! What fictitious products would you like to see for sale? Let us know, and we'll ask Alan Sugar if he'll pony up for R&D.