Charlie Brooker's Screen burn: TV listings in haiku

Writing television listings – hey, it's a bit like writing poetry, isn't it? Well, no, obviously it absolutely isn't, in any way, shape or form, but bear with me because I'm trying to go somewhere with this, and if you're not prepared to suspend your disbelief (and your critical judgement) for 10 minutes this is going to prove excruciatingly embarrassing for both of us. So then. Surely there's no doubt that writing accurate listings is something of an art form. Squeezing a precise description of a potentially complex programme into a single sentence is a rigorous test of anyone's prose skills, and the end result is often more functional than emotive - a mere explanation of events rather than a flavoursome portrayal. How, for instance, could anyone hope to convey the unique tear-jerking magic of This is My Moment (ITV1, Sat, 7pm) in just 12 words, without hand signals? The answer is this: television listings writers really ought to turn to poetry. Or, to be more specific, they should write their listings in the form of haiku. Yes, haiku - the wistful, 17-syllable Japanese art form that's as delicate as a bone china teacup and almost twice as beautiful. What better device to evoke the mood of a broadcast than a five-seven-five formation stanza? And so, with this in mind, and in the spirit of wild experimentation, this week, in place of the usual guttersnipe sneering, I bring you art. I bring you poetry. Ladies and gentlemen - I bring you the week's television highlights, as viewed through the winsome lens of haiku. Don't snigger. They'll be doing this next week in the Radio Times. Just you wait and see. The National Lottery: Winning Lines (BBC1, Sat, 8.35pm) Applause detonates as bubblegum balls fall in line; you have won fuck all The Weakest Link (BBC2, Mon, 5.15pm) Disgraced, her target eats ginger malevolence Now, the walk of shame Ally McBeal (E4, Sun, 8pm) Sugar pop high-jinks fouled by haunting appearance of skeletal lead Midsomer Murders (ITV1, Sun, 8pm) Bergerac returns but this time round there is no Charlie Hungerford Kilroy (BBC1, Mon-Fri, 9am) Anguish spluttered into antichrist's mike: next it's Garden Invaders TOTP 2 (BBC2, Wed, 6pm) Spangled archive fun sneered at pornographically by DJ Steve Wright A Touch Of Frost (ITV1, Wed, 8pm) Didn't the force once exclude dwarves like Frost? They did? No wonder he's cross! The X Files (Sky One, Mon, 10pm) The truth's STILL out there? Stuff your UFO's: we don't give a flying one ITN News (ITV1, various times) Dermot Murnaghan - crazy name, crazy guy? No: I'm sure he's quite sane The Bill (UK Gold, every day, every 15 seconds) Officer arrests actor running amok with criminal accent Changing Rooms (UK Style, Thu, 9pm) Here's a makeover - brand new title, free of charge: Brighten Your Prole Hole Top Gear (BBC2, Thu, 8.30pm) Cars and penises: if I can tell them apart, why can't everyone? Real Sex (C5, Thu, 11.15pm) Don't pass the Kleenex: you'd get more aroused in a helicopter crash Emmerdale (ITV1, Thu, 7pm) Who watches this farm? Resolutely undiscussed: mud and soap don't mix Newsround (BBC1, Mon, 5.25pm) Gruesome news reports quickly made palatable thanks to pleasant shirt So there you go. We've laughed, we've cried, but most of all we've come away with a far better sense of how it feels to sit down and watch these shows, haven't we? Try writing some of your own. Right now. Send them to [email protected] and I'll print the finest examples in a forthcoming column. Together, we can change the face of TV listings.