Digested opera: Janáček's The Makropulos Case

Act I: Kolenaty's law office, Prague, 1922 Vitek: Grumble, grumble / Where are the files / For Gregor versus Prus? / Bloody hell / The case has been going on for / Nearly 100 years / That's the bourgeoisie for you. Gregor: Where is the lawyer? / Have I lost the case ? Vitek: We've only been in court / For 30 years / We can keep it going / For a long time yet. Gregor: Spare me the satire / Wise guy / I want to win. Vitek: That's what your father said / Before he killed himself. Gregor: I know how he felt / Listening to you. Vitek: Oh look! / Here's my daughter. Krista: I'm not a very good singer / You should hear Emilia Marty. Vitek: That's why she is / The lead soprano / And you have a minor role / You moron. Emilia Marty: I have turned up /Out of the blue /Fancy that. Kolenaty: So / What do you want? Emilia: It just so happens / I know all about the case / I can tell you that Ellian McGregor / Is the mother of Ferdinand Gregor / And the lover of Baron Prus / I can show you where to find the will / Which will win the case. Gregor: My God! / I think I love you / My cunning little vixen. Emilia: That is the wrong opera / You moron / But you can do me a favour / And help me find the codicil / To the will. Kolenaty: That's a drag / Baron Prus has the will! Act II: The opera house The cleaners: Look at all these bloody flowers / Those posh blokes / Don't half like Emilia Marty. Baron Prus: Where is Miss Marty? The cleaners: Get in the queue. Janek (Prus's son): Give us a snog / Krista my love Krista: Snogging you / Won't make me as good / A singer / As Miss Marty. Janek: What the hell / Has that got to do with it? Emilia: Look at all my fans / A real bunch of losers. Prus: I'm not after your body Gregor: I am. Marty: Was I wonderful tonight? Gregor: Not when you sang / That ghastly Eric Clapton song. Hauk: I say, I say / You remind me / Of that flighty little gypsy girl/ I shagged 50 years ago. Marty: The man's bonkers / I'm not really /Several centuries old / Though I might be ... Prus: What is your interest in the case? / Do you care if Gregor wins? / And how did you know / Where the documents /Are hidden? Marty: Oh ha ha / I'm not telling / Ah there you are Janek / Why don't you go and steal the will for me? / And since you're here / Prus / How about you sell me the document / If I let you shag me tonight? Prus: I don't mind / If I do. Act III: Emilia's hotel room, the following day Emilia: Have you come yet? / I need to paint my nails. Prus: Don't be such a meanie / I am in torment / Because Janek has topped himself / Because his love for you is unreturned. Emilia: Well how was I / Supposed to know / All through the last act /He was trying to snog / Krista. Kolenaty: Excuse us / For barging in... Gregor: ... But your story / Has many flaws in it! Emilia: Then just wait /Till I tell you / The truth / My name is actually Elena Makropulos / And I am actually 300 years old. Everyone: That sounds / A lot more / Likely. Emilia: Really? / And I am looking / For the elixir / That will enable / Me to live / Another 300 years. Everyone: We're still not / Exactly clear / What all this / Has to do / With the law case. Emilia: I wouldn't worry / Your pretty heads too much / About all that / As I have now decided / To let myself grow old /Anyway. Everyone: Oh look / She is ageing / Before our eyes / Not that / We've ever seen / Someone who is / 300 years old /Before. Emilia: Don't be alarmed / It's only opera / The plot may be far-fetched / But the music / Is ravishing / Oh dear / I'm dying.