Football transfer rumours: Torres and Reina to lead Liverpool exit?

This morning's Daily Mirror reports EXCLUSIVELY that Fernando Torres and Pepe Reina are planning to abandon the Nice Roy Hodgson Anfield Revolution and leave Liverpool in January. Both players have " secret get-out clauses " in their contracts, which sound a lot more exciting than simply "get-out clauses", or even "clauses". Torres could go to Manchester City for £50m. Reina is considering a £20m move to Arsenal , where he can look forward to becoming instantly gripped with a crazed case of the cartwheeling jitters, learning to flap wildly at any kind of cross and generally buying into the idea of goalkeeping as a business of leaping about athletically saving penalties in between diving over the top of toe-poked 40-yard back passes. Manchester United are also interested in Reina, and have "lined up" chic Euro style-baldie Pep Guardiola as successor to Sir Alex Ferguson. Guardiola has a "strained" relationship with the new Barcelona big cheese Sandro Rosell. He also has a selection of immaculate pencil slim suits and looks like he has his apartment obsessively hoovered on a twice-daily basis. Mark Hughes is considering signing meandering goal-lamppost Roque Santa Cruz for the third time, possibly on loan. The Monaco striker Dieumerci Mbokani says he is "flattered" by recent guff in the papers about him signing for Spurs, but says he's not really interested. "I love it at Monaco at the moment," Mbokani said, lurking behind David Niven dressed in a white tuxedo and saying "Mesdames at messieurs, les jeux sont faits" in a clipped voice. Blackburn Rovers are going to be given £10m by their new Indian chicken company owners. They are planning to buy the Birmingham winger Sebastian Larsson and "Manchester City wonder boy John Guidetti", who sounds like a popular American TV character actor of the 1970s who might possibly have played the station boss in CHIPS , or the commissioner of police in Columbo. The former Chelsea keeper Lenny Pidgeley , who sounds like his own credits might conceivably include a few episodes of Porridge and a sitcom starring Reg Varney, is on trial at League Two Bradford . In the Daily Mail Bayern Munich are trying to buy Edin Dzeko for £40m, the same amount Manchester City have apparently offered. City "now face a fight with Bayern, who believe they have the pulling power and finances to better City", which sounds half right – the bit about "pulling power" – and half massively deluded. Birmingham City will have to wait until next summer to buy the Hajduk Split defender Ivan Strinic who, the Mill is guessing, is a tall, strong, no-nonsense grappler who is quite good at free kicks and corners. And Chelsea could sign the Croatia skipper Dario Srna on the cheap from Shakhtar Donetsk in January. The Sun reports that Michael Owen , who never really plays football any more, may soon officially no longer play football any more. This would involve him actively taking a decision not to play football any more, rather than just continuing not to play football any more on an ad hoc basis. "Owen could hang up his boots," announces the Sun. The Mill would suggest that, if he does, he might just want to have a good stretch beforehand. Owen is considering quitting the game if Manchester United do not give him a new contract at the end of the season which, right now, you've got to think they won't. Better news for Branislav Ivanovic , "one of the lowest paid members" of the Chelsea squad, who has been told he could get a bump up from £40,000-a-week to £60,000 . Jonathan? Can you hear me Jonathan? They're taking the mick Jonathan. Strangely ancient goal-shy scamperer Robbie Keane could be on his way to Juventus in January. Matt Gilks will join elite Scottish Big Two giants Rangers next season because they will give him more money than Blackpool. "With the wages we pay, there is only so long I can hold on to him," Ian Holloway said, just about keeping a last, desperate white knuckle grip on the end of Gilks's cardigan sleeves and really stretching the arms out. Aston Villa are set to loan Aussie defenderoo Shane Lowry to Sheffield Wednesday. Nottingham Forest are preparing to splurge £750,000 on Crewe's Ashley Westwood. And the Indian chicken farm trying to buy Blackburn will in fact only make £5m available for transfers. Big Sam's thoughts? Murgh.